— A Wolf’s Thoughts (via bl-ossomed)
i didn’t like the ending T_T
but i still cried cause it ended T_T
Art by Heather Theurer
But I love the Lilo one
my mom’s mom, my grandmother died when my mom was probably around my age now. I’m turning 20 in a few months. and my mom will be a year older in a few months too. then the months will turn into years. years into decades.
my dad always tells me that they won’t be around all the time. they can be gone tomorrow. the next week. the next month. who knows. and i always knew this was true. but what kid would want to imagine and hang on to that future where your parents are gone? i always knew this. but i didn’t want to stay in that position of knowing it too well. it was just a statement in my mind that is factual for all human beings. but it’s not something that i wanted to believe in.
but my dad was right.
they aren’t getting any younger. countless hours at work. add to that the hours at home. add to that the bills. the stresses of bosses. of their patients. of work. of family back home. of family that has passed on. us, their kids. all the stresses of life. all the thoughts. and it’s not just all that. add to that thoughts about their own life, not others’. their own self worth. how far they’ve come. if they were able to start on a journey at all. their own happiness.
when i think about it, i know that’s not even a fourth of all their worries.
i had another episode today. i just hated myself and was angry because for the past few days i have been disrespectful to my mom. i answer back to her. i curse under my breath. i slammed doors. stomped my feet. screamed. yelled. ignored her. and it was all so stupid and childish. but most importantly it was hurtful.
im so angry and stupid because i keep on wondering and asking why i can’t control my anger and why I’m always taking it out on her or my sister. when instead of just questioning. i should just be doing and trying my best not to be rude and disrespectful and hurtful towards them. I’m not doing anything to change myself. I’m not even trying.
i had another episode of breaking down. but between my mom and i, the one who has the right to break down is she.
it’s so painful. to think of being in my mom’s shoes. it’s so painful to have me as a daughter. I’m so disappointed in myself but i can only imagine how disappointed my mom is not at me but at herself. she didn’t do anything wrong. she made a simple mistake. one simple mistake that anyone especially i could have made. one mistake that couldn’t even measure up to my smallest mistake.
i can only imagine all the pain she goes through. every day and every night. i can only imagine how insurmountable her worries and her thoughts are. how there is no possible to clear them out. why she has to depend on medication to get her to sleep. to wake up. to do things. and the true fact of the matter is, my mom could die any second. of depression physically, mentally, emotionally. tiredness.
my mom has been on medications for more than a decade now. my mom just had a heart attack a couple of years ago. my mom has a chronic condition. my mom continues to have symptomatic attacks. migraines. vomits. i don’t even remember the last time my mom wasn’t on pills. the last time my mom’s head didn’t hurt. the last time she looked okay.
i know all this. i could lose my mom any second and i’m this shit of a daughter to her? a stranger could treat her better. you add all of what she’s suffering from to just the fact that a mother’s own daughter is just. instead of being a source of even the slightest relief. instead is the source of pain? of so much anger. so much disrespect. and nothing of love?
my mom is such a great mother. and she deserves the best. she deserves a better daughter. she deserves so much more than anything.
looking on her life, i pity my mom because i feel like she has a miserable life. and it’s because of me. i want to see my mom truly and permanently happy. not tired but full of energy. full of and receiving so much love. without so many worries and tiresome and depressing thoughts. but happy, relaxing, reliable and loving thoughts. and feelings.
in a few months i won’t be a teenager anymore. we always use the “adolescence and teenage years excuse”. but not being a teenager anymore doesn’t just mean that i should grow up from my selfish adolescent and teenage year self. that i shouldn’t be disrespectful and rude towards my parents anymore. it also means that in a few years i’ll be out of this house. in a few years i’ll have my own family. in a few years i won’t be coming home to my mom anymore.
do you realize how much time, how many years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds i’ve wasted?
i love my mom so much. i really love her. i want her to be around for a long time. i want her to be happy. and i want her to feel all the love she deserves especially from her eldest daughter. i don’t want to look back later in life on the 20+ years i’ve spend with my mom and be filled with so much regret that i didn’t spend those 20+ years wisely. that in that span only an accumulated weeks or months was i respectful or most importantly loving towards my mom. and the rest i left my mom in agony.
i don’t want it to be that way.
i knew this all along.
and I’m filled with so much regret.
because both of us don’t have that much time left.
and i just wished i acted on this way back.
right now i just want to go home. i feel mysteriously anxious being around people. i just cant stop feeling that uncomfortable feeling. i just want to stay in my room in isolation. away from people. ironically i feel claustrophobic - the people around me acting as the walls. im so scared and i dont even know why. i just know i want to be away from everyone and everything. im so scared of feeling this way. i cant stop shaking.
— Unknown (via purplebuddhaproject)