not my polite self. but who i really am. 

when i talk to a pastor. i know that they know that my polite quiet facade isnt real. or do they?

i wish they bothered to ask. 

because im so messed up.

i dont even feel like a human anymore. i feel like i was created to go to hell. 

i dont know what’s going on in my mind. too many things. 

i wanna pause in life and fix myself first before i indulge myself in the greatest things life has to offer me like my family, my friends, my boyfriend.  just all the blessings. just being alive.

i wish i was good. i wish i wasnt so full of sin.

so it’s the third day that i’m cleaning my room. it’s not that it’s big, it’s that when i really clean, i have to dirty and mess everything up first.

i got distracted and started cleaning my emails and deleting accounts and messages.

i came across an essay i turned in for ib english hl v my senior year in high school. im a terrible writer. but this one assignment only required us to write like William Faulkner as we had just finished reading his novel Light in August.

i had to edit this paper several times and ended up changing some things. but almost everything written is based on true events and true thoughts - thoughts that occur whenever the memory comes back to haunt me. and i know the grammar is still horrible but yeah i couldnt ask anyone to proof read it for me because i was too scared of being judged.

little did i know when we came back the next day that we had to present our papers. we had to. i mean we didnt have to. it was only extra 5 points. but it weren’t the extra  5 points that pushed me to go walk up the front of the class and start reading my paper (that’s just so asian -_-). nor was it the embarrassment that everyone else but myself presented. 

deep down i knew i wanted to have some sort of release. some sort of comfort. maybe some sort of relief. i wanted sympathy. it wasnt that i wanted attention. it wasnt that i wanted people to know that behind the smiles, the giggles, the upbeat and happy-go-lucky personality i have that i  have depth. that i do have problems in my life. that i may be really worse off. 

i wanted to pour out and let go the chains that are dragging on me and holding me back on being truly happy. it was as if i wanted to repent on a sin that i did not know i committed. 

and what made me do it more was that everyone in the class was a stranger to me.

okay just kidding never mind i don’t wanna share it cause it can be stolen. not that it’s great writing anyway it’s just.. it’s my story. haha wow im weird. lalala. 

tears be gone(:

so uhh

special k - strawberry

silk vanilla soy milk

oatmeal

banana

i wanna add making my own fruit smoothies =/

but my fruit smoothies require sugar T_T like lots of sugar especially for my strawberry raspberry smoothie because you have to like really get that hint of raspberry!

when my friends usually come over we cook. so if megan and min decide they wanna come over we’re just gonna have to bake salmon. and that’s it -__- because i aint breaking my diet haha!

or if we go out or if i come over their place T_T i cant break my diet.

but i wanna go to la madeliene for some reason ._.

lost 2 pounds~ 21 pounds to go T_T

i would wish for a fast forward at this point in my life. because right now time is going fast yes but i still have no idea what the choices and the turns in life that i have to make are and i feel my life is going nowehere because of that. i feel like i have no future really set for myself. like im leading myself to future downfalls. =/

5 days ago • 0 notes

a couple of days ago.

disappointed my dad again.

5 days ago • 0 notes

trait: not sure

accomplisment: none so far T_T

goal for the future: heck i want to know too.

wow this makes me sound like i have no plans in life… =/ 

i do it’s just im not sure if the plans i have for myself are what’s planned for me D;

5 days ago • 0 notes

• No, because it’s a the same person, but an individual with multiple personalities. In Canada the law is so crazy regarding such things that it’s difficult to see where the law actually protects the victim and a possible suicidal person is a victim in most cases. Here, if someone threatens to jump off a bridge (most do it just because no one is listening to how much they hurt and can’t afford the help) and they are saved by police/firemen then they can be charged! Rarely does it stick and the person ends up where they really want to be for help … in the psychiatric ward of a hospital. In most cases the person isn’t crazy at all, but needs help and unfortunately, in the U.S. and Canada that’s getting scarcer as the years roll by.

• No because they are “personalities” they are treated like royalty. If someone with multiple everyday riffraff threatens to kill himself, call in the S.W.A.T. team, 13 helicopters flying overhead…but someone with multiple personalities and suddenly you’ve got doctors and family standing next to benign police officers all pleading with the “personalities” to put the weapon down and come outside so they can be “helped”. They say we’re all equal under the law, but they say it to keep those of us with multiple everyday riffraff at bay.

• No, but the person is obviously insane and I feel sorry for them.

• Yes, because for example the body has 5 people sharing it, like Eric, Adam, Sam, Nick and George, so Eric is the one that wants to kill himself, but then the other four are against it and when it happens to be Eric’s time to be in control of the body, and he threatens to kill himself, the other guys wouldn’t like it so much and would be hold against their will. It’s just that they have to share the same body but they are completely different from each other. It’s the opposite from a group of people that follow another person and do everything the other person does and they have different bodies but just one personality, like lemmings. It’s kind of the opposite from that.
• Yes, because they are not ‘personalities’, they are ‘people’, who are self-aware. If they are not self-aware, and really were just fragments, you might not have a hostage situation since it would all be in the mind of one person. But in multiple systems, where many diverse, self-aware people share one body, then any action taken by one that could seriously harm the body or the welfare of the group is a serious matter, in addition to it being quite tragic for the person involved. If Sall threatens to blow herself up, and doing so will also kill Jane and Tom who cannot get away, it is a hostage situation. Everyone within a multiple system has a conciousness - ‘I think therefore I am’ equating them the rights of any othre human being, including the right to life. However the unique nature of a multiple means that everyone within the system must share one body. ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’ takes on its truest meaning, for any harm to each other will likely harm yourself.

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/If_someone_with_multiple_personalities_threatens_to_kill_themselves_is_it_considered_a_hostage_situation

:)

5 days ago • 0 notes

i did for like 2 or 3 weeks but ive come to hate him =\ way too overrated.

5 days ago • 0 notes